Well, hello again. I've some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I'm doing some fun stuff, I'm doing well at my job, and I've people in my life that I know care about me. The bad news is that I'm still suicidal. Everyday, I feel like there's just no point in going on. Like, I have no solid plans for the future, I've no idea of where I'm going, and I find that so fucking daunting. There are really no stressers in my life right now, but my mental health is still getting worse. So, once I go to my next psychiatry apointment, I'm gonna ask to switch medications. The Prozac was working so well for so long, but now it just seems to be making me feel worse. Switching medications is fucking horrifying. I feel like I'm starting all over again and it's gonna be even worse this time around. I don't know for sure, but it really feels like that. Obviously, my doctor will be able to tell me what to expect and will likely make it so things won't be so terrible. But it's still scary. Last time I was there she suggested I go on a mood stableizer along with my Prozac. And maybe that is the answer. I can be so happy in one moment and then sad in the next. I'll be having a great time with a friend, then I'll suddenly just want to cave in on myself.
So there's my update. It's not a great update, but it could be so much worse. I'm struggling to keep looking on the bright side that this might one day not be a problem for me, but I am still trying. I could be trying harder, yes, but right now, this is all I can manage.
Solomon talks about his and many others' experiences with depression and suicidal thoughts. He focuses on how people react to the disease and how they recover or don't. Because I've been dealing with depression and suicidal ideation for years now, I could relate to most of what he said. I could really relate to his description of depression in regards to insight. I still feel as though what I see and experience with my depression is really what life is. Life is pointless and grimy. The medication I'm taking isn't making me me, it's making me someone else. I know, realistically, that that's not true, but it's hard to ignore what you feel. This TedTalk inspires me. It puts my depression into perspective. Though it's terrible, it makes me feel numb sometimes, I am thankful for it. Because of my depression, because of my awareness of it, I'm privileged in being able to use it to enrich my life. Because I'm made constantly aware of how short and awful life is, I can focus on things that make me happy and not feel guilty about focusing on those things instead of the horrors going on around the world. Depression is allowing me to live more fully than I think could have without it. Like Solomon, I'm thankful for my depression.